YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
