i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So much Jack, so little girl.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
