Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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