Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
