I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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