You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
