my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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