I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He has the fingertips of a God
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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