I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
