I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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