btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
