Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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