wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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