Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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