If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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