if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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