Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
