I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
