if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
