I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
