We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
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Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.