Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
