does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.