I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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