The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
