Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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