if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
