Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
too bad you live with your parents still
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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