I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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