No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
