the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
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bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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