I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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