ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
