Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
