pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
