finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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