need another drink. this is the easiest way
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize