I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
