im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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