It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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