I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
