my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
