True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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