I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia