the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.