You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
