So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sober January is a disaster.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
