im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
