I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
