I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
