You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
