i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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