He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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