There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
