I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
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Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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