Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You can't just leave with hair like that
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