I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Randomize
