I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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