Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
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Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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