This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
