I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
