I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Randomize
