I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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