I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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