apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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